Spike the psychopath
by Psquiddy288
Summary: Spike has many adventures as a psychopathic killer, from terrorizing the CMC to becoming a superhero or helping Discord (satan) conquer the earth.


(brief explanation: In previous personal fanfics, Discord, Spike, Rarity and star swirl the bearded were the rulers of hell. Also due to Josephsparkle/superdude77 wanting to make a reference to mark of chaos, twilight and pinkie pie are eternally bonded. (reason why Discord was allowed to rape Celestia in mark of chaos) and Josephsparkle/superdude77 (Jory) is god, obviously because he writes funnier fanfics.)

Spike is walking up to discord in hell.

"Um, satan, can I go home?" Spike asks. Discord sighs.

"Why do you keep dying!?" Discord yells. Spike backs up into a wall. He looks like he just saw a vision of his own demise.

"Oh, I just keep trying to get to the cookie jar on top of the fridge." Spike says. Discord facepalms.

"What ever happened to laying siege to ponyville? What ever happened to freezing the water park and just fucking killing shit, ya' know man? It's all fucking bullshit! Fuck! Damn it!" Discord says.

"Can I just go home?" Spike asks.

"NO! You know what? I'm going to kill your girlfriend and get the gang back together!" Discord says. Discord gets out a cell phone.

"Yeah, Star swirl the bearded, can you go kill Rarity? Yeah, the smug bitch who laughs whenever she sees poor ponies. No, he's not here. No…. No. (pause) I just told you! That guy's dead! No, they don't always come to me! Sometimes they go to heaven. No, I have no idea who god is. (Long pause) You are so full of shit I can't believe that it doesn't seep out your mouth when you talk! It's not some guy named Jory! You shit faced motherfucker! Just kill Rarity! Bye."

-in ponyville-

Rarity is sitting in her room looking at a homeless man via big ass telescope.

"Oh my god! He's eating out of the garbage! What a fucking mess! Oh, oh, he found a half eaten taco! Is he gonna, oh! He ate it!" Rarity laughs hysterically. The door opens behind her. She looks over her shoulder and screams. (pov of Star swirl the bearded) You float towards Rarity as she screams bloody murder.

She leaps out her window. You float forward and look down at her. She starts hobbling away. You float after her. She runs, looking over her shoulder every few seconds. She runs across ponyville and into the woods, still screaming.

"Please! Please god, don't let me die now! I don't want to die!" Rarity screams. You still float after her as she pushes through the thick brush of the woods. She trips over the root of a tree but gets back up, staring at you and whimpering. She keeps running up and over small hills and through thorn bushes until she reaches a cliff. She turns to face you and screams and cries as loud as she can. She has cuts all over her with dried blood on her face.

You float forward and push her off the cliff and watch her hit the ground below. She appears in hell with Discord and Spike.

"Oh, hi Rarity!" Spike says after Rarity appears in hell. Rarity is shaking. She looks unequivocally petrified.

"Whatever, now we can start raising our army! In three days we can take over ponyville!" Discord says. Pinkie pie and Twilight sparkle are in a car going down the road.

"Okay Twilight, the dating counselor said that we need to bond more seeing how we are going to be together forever. So I've taken you to do something me and my friends do all day." Pinkie pie says. She gives Twilight a ski mask.

"Wait, what?" Twilight asks. She notices that they've pulled up to a large mountain of sand in a desert

"So, we're going to float balloons to those camel fuckers living in their little terrorist cave down the hill with some humorous notes attached to them!" Pinkie pie says. "This one's my favorite! So a pony goes into an adult shop. He says he wants a blow-up doll. The worker asks what gender. The pony says female. The worker asks what race. The pony says earth pony. The worker asks what religion. The pony asks why it matters. The worker says that the muslim one blows itself up!" Pinkie pie laughs.

"That's racist!" Twilight says.

"Oh Twi, it's not racist if it's true!" Pinkie pie says. She ties the note to a balloon and floats it down the hill towards a sand cave. When it reaches the bottom a pony in white robes comes out. He reads the note. He then pulls out an AK47 and starts shooting at them.

"Oh shit!" Twilight yells. Pinkie pie gets out a handgun and shoots him in the head from 30 yards away.

"Does that always happen?" Twilight asks.

"No, we used to just say Allah is a swine, they get real mad when you call them the terrorist fucks they are!" Pinkie pie says.

The cutie mark crusaders are walking down the street. They see Star swirl the bearded (wearing a brown hard leather chest plate with black sleeves and pants and a red cape. ps, he also has an eyepatch) losing his shit over the price of a hatchet at a sporting goods store.

"What do you mean thirty dollars you fucking maniac? I'll have you know in my time an axe fine as this costed ten fucking copper coins!" He yells.

"I'm sorry sir, I don't price things. That's just how money is, everything is expensive as hell now." The cashier says.

"No, no. You've got to have been eating shit. It's on your lips and in your mouth and you're talking funny unless you're a fucking retard. I could eat fucking alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than that! I'd slap the shit outta you but that'd be fucking animal abuse you fucking deranged psychopath! Why don't you just go play in traffic? Oh, I know, the garbage man would scoop your ass up!" Star swirl the bearded says before being shoved out of the store by security.

"Um, sir?" Applebloom asks.

"What is it you fucking pee-pee kissers?" Star swirl the bearded shouts.

"Do you know anything we can do to get our cutie marks?" Scootaloo asks. Star swirl the bearded strokes an invisible beard and thinks.

"You could always come help me find my lost puppy." Star swirl the bearded says.

"Great! Where should we start?" Sweaty bell asks.

"Well, we can go look for her in my big white van!" Star swirl the bearded says, pointing at a white van with no windows.

"Okay, we have just about everything we need to defeat the armies of that putrid whore Celestia, but It feels like something is missing….Oh god!" Discord says in hell.

"What? Spike asks.

"Star! Damn it! oh god, he's in the surface world, he's probably doing something really bad! Spike, go to the surface and find star!" Discord says. Spike crosses his arms and closes his eyes.

"I don't wanna leave." Spike says. Fucking fire appears in Discord's eyes.

"NO! YOU WILL GO FIND HIM, YOU PATHETIC WORM FUCK!" Discord yells.

"Nah, I like it here." Spike says. Discord tackles Spike. The two fly all over hell, destroying shit and crying.

"I WILL KILL YOU!" Discord screams as he cries.

"I'm telling on you!" Spike yells.

"And how is that?" Discord asks. Spike flies up and bursts through the ceiling and into the outside world

"Spike man! Don't tell Celestia man!" Discord says as he's still crying. Discord gets pissed. He flies up through the hole after spike. Spike flies over the forest like superman for thirty seconds before falling. Discord flies over the treetops, not remembering that Spike is powerless outside of hell and thinks that Spike is still flying to canterlot.

"No dude, the huntress could never even fucking lay a finger on superman before getting her ass obliterated!" a nerd says to another "nerd".

"No but she could put kryptonite tip on a crossbow bolt!" the "nerd" says. The nerd starts getting pissed.

"No, you fucking retard! Superman could dodge it or shoot it out of the air!" the nerd says. The "nerd" crosses his arms.

"Well you'll never get a girlfriend if you keep being such a dumbass." the "nerd" says.

"I'm the dumbass!? You think a mere mortal with a crossbow can kill superman! The only way your sorry ass would get laid is if you crawled up a chicken's asshole and waited a day o\r two!" the nerd yells.

"Go kill yourself you stupid DC fan!" the "nerd" says.

"The huntress is DC! And if I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump off all the way down to your IQ level!" the nerd says. Discord flies over them.

"Oh shit, it's darkseid!" the "nerd" screams. Discord flies over canterlot. The Canterlot air-force flies out of an army base at Discord. Discord shoots a lightning beam at a jet. The jet explodes. Three more jets fly over and shoot machine guns at Discord. Discord gets riddled with bullets before falling from the sky.

When discord falls he lands in Celestia's royal quarters. He is drenched in his own blood, bruised and torn up as fuck.

"Celestia, my love! I came here to romantically molest you!" Discord coughs. Celestia ``stomps on Discord's head, killing him.

One week later

Spike is sitting in his room listening to rap music on his ipod as he sings along.

"yeah, suck my fuckin' dick yeah or I'll slap you round the hood til' you sheeit yo self bitch!" Spike sings.

Spike takes his headphones from his ears. He picks up a remote and turns on his tv. The news is on.

"This is Brett Stetson and I am here live with a young filly who says the reason he committed vandalism assault last week was too much sugary soda pop and violent television." the reporter says. It cuts to a filly who is wearing a skull t-shirt and has a green mohawk sitting in his bedroom.

"Yeah, I drank too much soda man, I also played too many violent video games and saw too many action movies. Hey, when am I getting paid?" the filly asks before it cuts to another reporter.

"In other news, the reported unidentified flying objects above the gryphon kingdom seem to be moving south towards ponyville-" Spike changes the channel

"I'm gonna watch some scurry movies now!" Spike says. He turns on the evil dead. Spike gets out a giant box of horror movie VHS's. He also gets out three 2 litres of mountain dew. Spike puts two cans of mountain dew in a soda drinking hat and puts it on.

In the cutie mark crusaders' treehouse, they are discussing the camping trip they are going on.

"we should rent some gear and go fishing." sweetie bell says.

"So, apparently silver spoon and diamond tiara have claimed that they are our friends and therefor we should take them with us but that they get their own cabin with Pipsqueak." Scootaloo says.

"well, maybe we should bring them with us but prank them really hard in order to get some sort of pranking cutie mark." sweetie bell says.

"All in favor of bringing the selfish, naive, helpless girls who will most likely drink, smoke and have premarital sex say I" Applebloom says.

"I" sweetie bell and Scootaloo say.

Twilight walks into Spike's room to find Spike watching a nightmare on elm street. Spike sucks down the remaining soda in his hat and unscrews the cap on one of the 2 litres. Spike pours more mountain dew into the cans before screwing the cap back on.

"Spike, how long are you going to be watching all of these horror movies? How many have you already watched?" Twilight asks, obviously being genuinely frightened for Spike's well-being.

"I've seen the evil dead trilogy, the halloween series, the friday the 13th series, the texas chainsaw massacre series, all of George Romero's zombie movies and now I'm starting on the nightmare on elm street series." Spike says, not looking away from the tv.

"You know, the cutie mark crusaders are going on a camping trip. Maybe you should go. They're leaving tomorrow." Twilight says. Spike gets a rape face on.

"Okay, we all packed up?" Applebloom asks.

"Think so." Scootaloo responds. The cutie mark crusaders get in one car (driven by big mac) and the other shit for brains get in another car (driven by Rarity). The cars start heading to the woods.

When they get there two hours later, they park in front of the two cabins and start bringing their stuff into their cabins. When they're all done packing Big mac and Rarity go back to their cars.

"Alrighty, I'll be back in two days to pick you up." Big mac says. Him and Rarity drive off. Immediately Silver spoon and Diamond tiara turn to the cutie mark crusaders.

"Listen here, you little shits. We want nothing to do with you at all. We get our cabin that looks out over the lake, you get yours that isn't good for jack shit, okay?" Silver spoon says.

"Well, that's not fair!" Applebloom says.

"Do I care? No. I am sexy and fierce." Diamond tiara says, doing a little clawing motion with her hoove. Silver spoon, Diamond tiara and Pipsqueak go into the cabin next to the lake whereas the cutie mark crusaders go into the one by the woods.

"It's such bullshit, y'know? They think they're equal to us!" Diamond tiara says. While they aren't looking, Spike rolls out of one of their sleeping bags with a brief case. Spike leaps out an open window.

That night, Silver spoon is laying in bed, smoking a cigarette as the crickets chirp. She takes the cigarette from her mouth and blows some smoke into the air. She rolls over and puts the cigarette out in the ashtray on her night stand. She rolls back onto her back. She lies there for a second, breathing calmly. All of the sudden, an arrow tip stabs through her neck.

Blood oozes out as the arrow tip twists. Silver spoon's mouth fills with blood, making it so she cannot scream.

In ponyville, Twilight is talking to Spike's psychiatrist on the phone.

"So, Spike watched horror movies and drank soda all weekend and now he's at a camping trip with some other kids at camp turquoise. Should I have given him his stress ball?" Twilight asks.

"Wait, violent television? Sugary soda pop? Oh the humanity! I must stop this!" Spike's psychiatrist says before hanging up.

aqAt camp turquoise, Spike is wearing a hockey mask as he watches Diamond tiara wash her hooves in the bathroom of the cabin through the window. Spike leaps in and grabs Diamond tiara. She starts screaming before Spike slams her head into the mirror. The mirror shatters. Spike gets his arm cut and lets go of Diamond tiara.

Diamond tiara grabs a piece of glass and tries to shank Spike. Spike pulls out a knife and slashes Diamond tiara's neck. Spike then slams her head against the edge of the counter, splitting her skull. Spike hears the cutie mark crusaders approaching the cabin and leaps back out the window and into the woods.

"Hey! Stop having sex in there!...at least quiet down!" Applebloom yells. Pipsqueak opens the door.

"But we weren't shaggin, ya bloke! The two ladies were moydud!" Pipsqueak says. The cutie mark crusaders look scared as hell.

"Murdered!? how!?" sweetie bell asks.

"I deh-ont know, the pink bitch with the crown or something on her arse was yellin' on de bog while the grey wanka was stabbed boy an ah-row." Pipsqueak says.

"What's a wanker? And what's the bog?" Scootaloo asks. Pipsqueak looks like he's ready to kill someone.

"Well, ya uneducated cooze, a wanka is a fucko and de bog is the toilet." Pipsqueak says in the smarmiest voice possible.

"Well, let's go see what happened!" Applebloom says. They all go to check the bathroom. When they enter, they find diamond tiara with her head split open and an eye popped out lying on the floor with a glass shank in her hoove.

"Ehw shite! That bollocks is dead as a doornail!" Pipsqueak yells. "Why don't we just phone ya older sis?" Pipsqueak asks.

"Um, I don't have a phone." Applebloom says. Pipsqueak throws his hat on the ground.

"Well shitty fuck in a jah! I'm gonna take this heeah old fashioned telly into the woods to get some reception cuz it don't wuk heeah!" Pipsqueak says. Pipsqueak grabs a phone from the 1800's and runs into the woods. The cutie mark crusaders hear Pipsqueak screaming in the woods.

"What are we gonna do? There's a killer on the loose!" Scootaloo yells

"Simple! We set up some home alone traps! We'll have the killer chase Scootaloo into the house and then we'll get him!" Applebloom says. Two hours later, Scootaloo is running into the cabin as Spike chases her with a butcher knife.

"Help! Help!" Scootaloo yells as she runs towards the door to the cabin. She falls and rolls onto her back, crawling away from Spike.

"Now you seriously need to help! I'm actually in danger!" Scootaloo screams. pike stabs through Scootaloo's head. Spike walks into the cabin slowly. Spike starts trying to go up the stairs. Marbles roll down the stairs, making him tumble down before hitting the floor with a loud ass thump.

"Is he knocked out?" Applebloom asks. Spike lies there for ten seconds before he starts screaming. Spike starts limping out of the cabin. Applebloom and Sweetie bell walk outside and watch Spike cry and limp off into the woods. A car pulls up right outside of the cabin. A pony who is fat with a grey beard and a trench coat gets out of the car.

"Where's Spike? Have you seen him!?" The pony asks.

"Who are you?" Applebloom asks.

"I'm his psychiatrist." The pony says. He sees Spike walking into the woods, crying. He pulls out a snub nose revolver and shoots Spike in the back three times, killing Spike. Applebloom and Sweetie bell look scared as hell.

"He was drinking sugary soda and watching violent television, he was out of control." The pony says. Without them seeing it, a bear drags Spike's body into the woods.

"I'm doctor Loomis kids, let's go home." Dr Loomis says. He looks back to see that Spike is gone. In hell, Spike appears in front of Discord.

"Dude, some kids appeared in front of me a few hours ago, they said that you went cray-cray!" Discord says.

"Yeah, I killed some kids, can I go home now?" Spike asks. Discord sits and ponders for a second.

"No, I can't let you go home yet." Discord says. Spike looks like he's about to start crying.

"WHAT!?" Spike yells.

"Yeah, apparently some dragons are attacking equestria tomorrow and I don't want you to do anything stupid. I just want nature to take it's course." Discord says.

"So the final march of the dragons is commencing tomorrow and I can't attack from behind enemy lines like the little bitch I am!? UNACCEPTABLE!" Spike screams. Discord snaps his fingers and Spike appears in a prison cell. Spike looks around and starts crying.

"Wait, I'm powerful in hell!" Spike says. Spike snaps his fingers and appears in the overworld. Spike sees dragons flying overhead towards ponyville (which is a hundred feet away).

Spike Starts running after them. Spike grabs a stick and yells a battle cry. Giant spears fly towards the dragons, impaling all but one.

The last dragon gets sniped in the head by a crossbowman. Spike stops running. He drops his stick and falls to his knees.

"DARN IT!" Spike yells. Spike walks into ponyville to see giant ballistas being rolled away. A police officer comes up to Spike.

"Spike the dragon, you are sentenced to life in prison for the murder of Silver spoon, Diamond tiara, Pipsqueak and Scootaloo." The officer says. Spike looks more pissed off than it seems possible. His face is red and steam is coming from his ears.

"AAAAAAAAAAAEEEEAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEE!" Spike yells so loud that the cop dies, windows shatter and a small tree falls over. Spike starts seething. A S.W.A.T team surrounds Spike. The next day, Spike starts spending his first day in prison. He's in his cell (on the ledge area), crying.

"Hey, little deeude. What brings you here?" a familiar voice asks. Spike starts shaking.

"Um, I killed a bunch of people." Spike says, scared as hell. The hearts and hooves rapist comes out of a dark corner of the cell. He walks up to Spike and puts a hoof on his shoulder. He shoves Spike against the wall.

"I'm gonna make you my bitch!" the hearts and hooves rapist says.

"When you slammed me against the wall, THAT SHIT FUCKING HURT! YOU'LL BE MY BITCH OR YOU'LL DIE TODAY!" Spike yells. Spike punches the hearts and hooves rapist across the cell and into the wall opposite of him. Spike runs up and repeatedly punches the hearts and hooves rapist in the stomach until he pukes up blood.

Spike kicks the hearts and hooves rapist so hard his head flies through the bars but the rest of him doesn't. Spike grabs his back legs and starts pulling. He can hear the hearts and hooves day rapist's spine cracking before Spike falls back while still holding his legs. Spike gets up to see that he decapitated the hearts and hooves day rapist.

"What's going on here!?" a guard yells. He walks over to see the hearts and hooves day rapist's head outside the bars.

"Dear god!" the guard yells. Spike starts obviously fake crying.

"He (sniff) killed himself! He said he was useless, I told him that he had so much to live for! He said he'd kill himself, and I (sniff) tried to stop him! He took a rope of his own shit and used it as a lasso to grab onto the rail outside. He pulled his head through and decapitated himself!" Spike fake cries.

"wait, where's the rope of shit!?" the guard asks.

"Oh, shit." Spike says under his breath. Spike looks around for a second. It looks like he might actually start crying.

"The decapitated head ate it to make sure I didn't try to kill myself with it!" Spike fake cries.

"Well, then…..it' time to find you a new cell-mate!" The guard says. The next day, a brown pony with a white bandana comes into the cell and sits down on the bed.

"You man, wanna buy a shank?" The pony asks.

"How much does it cost?" Spike asks.

"Well, I'll accept either coke or krazy klown." The pony says. Spike looks in his pockets. Of course, Spike doesn't have cocain or krazy klown.

"I don't have any krazy klown or crack!" Spike whines.

"Well then, I'll give one to you if you suck my dick!" The pony says.

"I'll spare your life if you give me one!" Spike says.

"Um...what?" the pony says.

"Well, you see, I control the land of duckworld, I have driven my mighty steed of steel on the roads of dust and stone and slain the mighty go-kart goose! I can easily kill a mortal such as yourself!" Spike says.

"Uh, sure, I'll give you a shank then." The pony says, thinking Spike is insane when really Spike is talking about the trucks and ducks video game. The pony gives Spike a screwdriver that's handle is wrapped in white cloth.

"Time for work!" a guard says. The cell door opens. Spike walks out of the cell and sees a line of inmates below. Three minutes later, Spike is smashing rocks with a pickaxe along with all of the other inmates. A guard is sitting under an umbrella, drinking lemonade as they do their work in the hot sun. A big, tough pony leans over to Spike.

"Hey, I like little boys! How did you get here?" The pedophile asks. Spike thinks for a second before answering.

"Well, some guy was trying to rape me, so I grabbed his dick and ripped it off with one hand. Then, I slapped him in the head with it until he got retarded. Then I shit in his mouth. He's in the asylum for the criminally insane." Spike says. The pedophile looks away and starts working again, looking like he got so scared he could die.

"Hey! Little guy! How about a tall, cool glass of lemonade?" The guard asks. Spike walks over to him. The guard slaps Spike across the face.

"HA! Yeah right! Get back to work!" The guard laughs. Spike punches the guard and takes his lemonade. Spike pours the lemonade in the guard's eyes.

"AAAH! My eyes!" The guard yells. Two more guards grab Spike and take him away. Spike is freaking out.

"You, my friend are going to the high security block!" a guard says. One hour later, Spike is sitting in a new cell. There's a fat pony playing mortal kombat on an xbox.

"Why does he get an xbox?" Spike complains. A guard looks at him.

"He works in the cafeteria, he got enough money to buy it." The guard says.

"Why is he here?" Spike asks.

"He got so mad over a video game that he beat a pony to death." the guard says. Spike gets a grinch smile.

"Hey, can I play?" Spike asks. a`The fatass looks over his fat shoulder at him.

"Sure." he says. Spike gets a controller. Spike chooses to play as scorpion. The fatass chooses to play as Shang Tsung. The fight takes place on the bridge. Scorpion jumps over Shang Tsung and backs up into a wall. Shang Tsung follows him and Scorpion jumps over him again.

"Hey, that's not nice." the fatass says. Scorpion pulls Shang Tsung towards him, uppercuts him, and jumps in from the other side of the screen. Scorpion uppercuts Shang tsung again.

"Stop it, man." the fatass says. Without responding, Spike keeps doing it. Scorpion uppercuts Shang Tsung back and forth until his first health bar goes away.

"Dude, don't do that again!" The fatty says. Scorpion makes Shang Tsung catch on fire, stunning him for a second. Scorpion starts uppercutting him again.  
"ENOUGH!" The fatass yells, shooting a skull, stopping Scorpion. Scorpion does a badass combo attack, taking out the rest of his health away. Scorpion uppercuts Shang Tsung off of the bridge, impaling him on the spikes below. The fatty jumps on Spike and starts choking him out.

"I'm gonna kill you! I'm going to rip all of your insides out through your asshole and kill you!" the fatty yells. Two guards run into the cell. Spike Shanks one and takes his billy club. Spike clubs the other in the head, killing him. Spike grabs the guard's keys and runs down the halls towards the armory.

Spike opens the armory door and stabs the guard working there. Spike grabs a shotgun and two revolvers and loads them. Spike finds a control panel and turns a switch. All of the cell doors open, causing a riot. Spike leads a charge into the courtyard with armed inmates.

A wall of guards in riot armor come in and start spraying the inmates with tear gas. They lob smoke grenades into the rioters.

"Shoot them!" Spike yells. The rioters shoot aimlessly into the guards, killing all of them. Twilight is sitting in the library watching the news.

"This is Bret Stetson bringing you the news at 11:00. The ponyville penitentiary has been taken by the inmates who are now calling it "mokele-mbeme", or stopper of the river because they are planning to overthrow society. Every guard has been killed and the equestria military is planning to bomb the prison." the news anchor says.

At the prison, a fighter jet flies over the prison and drops a flurry of bombs, exploding the prison. Spike is crawling away towards the woods with his legs blown off.

"Mokele-mbembe will live on!" Spike screams before a bomb falls on him and kills him. In hell, Spike is walking up to Discord.

"Satan, can I go back now?" Spike asks.

"But you've just got here." Discord says.

"Yeah, but I want to go now. I've got to watch trucks and ducks soon. This is the episode where they're finally gonna teach us words that start with Z." Spike says.

"Okay." Discord says before sending Spike back to the surface world. Spike walks into the library.

"Hey Spike, your therapist said he shot you. He went to prison two weeks ago. How are you?" Twilight asks.

"I'm fine. Wait, he went to prison?" Spike asks.

Spike starts laughing his ass off. Spike looks out his window to see the cutie mark crusaders walking down the street.

"Damn it! Discord pussed out and brought them back to life! I need to find a way to kill them without being blabbed on…." Spike says.

that night, a fat pony is sitting in a truck. There are three other fatasses in the truck.

"Okay, we gon' go?" The first one asks. One of them cocks an smg. There is a fat foal sitting in mcdonalds. He sees a homeless pony set down his burger to drink from his soda.

"HEY! YOU DONE WITH THAT!? I'LL EAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT!" The fat kid yells, pointing at the burger. The kid's head explodes from a shotgun shot. The fat ponies waddle into mcdonalds. One has a shotgun, one has a rifle, one has a pistol and one has an smg.

"Excuse me, but (cough) we are gonna steal your food, we aren't here for money, just food. We will make everyone's heads canoes if anyone tries to escape!" The leader (pistol guy) says.

"You aren't stealing jack shit tonight! So just shove a dick in your mouth, at least that'll shut yo' fuckin' fatass up!" Spike's voice says. The fatasses turn to see Spike, dressed as batman perched on one of the plant pots.

"Do not fear citizens, the vengeful crowbar is here to save you!" Spike says.

"Um, the vengeful crowbar?" a pony asks.

"Yeah dude, I've been fighting crime here from the stort." Spike lies. The shotgun guy shoots at spike. The pot explodes. Spike jumps off just in time and rolls underneath a table. Spike slinks over behind the counter. The fatasses are looking for him. Spike grabs a box of fries. He throws it on the floor.

"GET THE FOOD!" One of them yells. The fatties tackle each other over the fries. Spike jumps up and grabs the smg from the ground and starts sparaying down the fatasses. After the rest are dead, one of them bitch slaps Spike.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHH!" Spike screams and cries like a little kid. Spike smashes the pony's head with a crowbar.

"(Still crying) The vengeful crowbar (Huff) Has (sniff) won the day!" Spike says. He runs out of the mcdonalds. The cutie mark crusaders see this story being broadcasted on the news.

"Cutie mark crusaders, that is obviously Spike. We need to find someone to kill him so he doesn't kill us again." Applebloom says. That night, the cutie mark crusaders are talking to Pipsqueak (who is wearing a spiderman costume)

"What!? You want me, pipsqueak the brave to stop this bloke with a crowbare? I shall dew so, but only if I am promised a hearty amount of sillybandz and retro 8-bit Atari sunglasses." Pipsqueak says, dressed as spiderman.

"Sure, just kill this guy." Scootaloo says.

"This town needs me, but it also deserves me, it screams "save her", but I scream back louder "HAHA! You're crying!" Spike monologues as he jumps from rooftop to rooftop.

"Um, did oy happun to say that pipsqueak the brave is here to blast your bum to hell?" Pipsqueak says. Spike leaps at Pipsqueak. Pipsqueak sprays Spike in the eyes mid-air with silly string. Spike still tackles Pipsqueak. Spike starts fucking clobbering Pipsqueak. He smashes his face back and forth with his crowbar until his mask flies off. Spike doesn't stop, slapping Pipsqueak from side to side. Spike picks up Pipsqueak and breaks his back over his knee.

This also breaks Spike's knee, making him stumble off the edge of the building, taking Pipsqueak down with him. As they fall, Spike flies towards Pipsqueak, grinding Pipsqueak's face against the building. Pipsqueak hits the cement below, exploding on the sidewalk. Spike lands in a convenient pile of hay, suffering only minor injuries.

Spike gets up and runs away.

The next day, there are cops surrounding a house in the hood. the house is trashy as hell. There are police cars and armored vans everywhere.

"This is Brett Stetson live at the scene of a crime where it seems that the infamous drug lord "El patron" and twenty other assailants armed with fully automatic weapons holding eight ponies hostage within the building they had been cooking krazy klown. Police are unable to enter the building due to explosive traps within all entrances of the building and threats to kill said hostages." the news anchor says in front of the house.

A black silhouette jumps down from a tree. Spike runs over to the back of the house. He gets out a can of hairspray and sprays the entrance. There is a red laser exposed. Spike looks around until he sees Winona running down the sidewalk, chasing a frisbee. Spike grabs Winona as she turns the corner.

"Winona! Where'd ya'll go, ya silleh dog?" Applebloom teases. Winona starts whining. Spike slits Winona's neck. Spike throws her into the laser and the doorway explodes. Spike rolls in a smoke grenade, making the house fill with gas. Spike runs in and un-sheaths his crowbar.

Spike hits one of the guards in the leg with his crowbar and the guard falls. Spike hits him in the head, smashing it into pieces. Another guard sees him through the smoke. The guard runs up and slaps Spike across the face, making a loud ass clapping sound. Spike starts crying. Another guard walks up to Spike.

"Let's just tie him up! He'll be another hostage!" The guard says. The guards start tying up Spike with rope before a dart flies in and sticks into a guard's neck. The cutie mark crusaders with Babs seed (who are wearing ninja turtle masks) jump in through a window and start beating up the drug dealers.

"NO! Who are you!?" Spike shouts as Scootaloo starts untying him.

"We are the wonder kids. We protect this town, as it is unable to protect itself from it's own scum and villainy." Scootaloo says.

"Pffft! That's gay! You're all sooooo stupid!" Spike says. The cutie mark crusaders are gone and the crooks are all tied up. The cops bust in to see Spike standing around the crooks.

"Ah, this little kid stopped the drug dealers and saved the hostages! He's a hero!" The police chief says. Spike covers his mouth with his cape.

"I am the vengeful crowbar, I am the hero this town needs but not the one it deserves." Spike says despite the fact that he's still crying a little. Spike throws a sack of pop-its on the ground and runs away. That night, Spike is running across rooftops. Spike sees the wonder kids looking out over the city.

"Hey, you little fucking retards! I know who you are! You're Applebloom, Sweetie belle, Scootaloo and wait, you guys stooped so low as to add Babs seed to your little superhero club? You are all fucking idiots!" Spike says.

"Hey! We stopped those drug dealers! We're the real heroes! You're just a sorry little fucking loser who runs around fucking everything up because you're too fucking stupid to actually do anything good!" Babs seed yells. Spike screams and runs at her. Spike un-sheaths his crowbar and holds in front of horizontally him with both hands. Spike uses it to push Babs seed off of the building as she screams in terror. She grabs Spike's mask as she falls off. Babs seed hits the sidewalk, making a small crater while still holding Spike's mask.

"What the hell! You killed Babs, you fucking asshole!" Applebloom yells. The wonder kids start punching the shit out of Spike. Spike does little to fight back as they knock him around and making him cry. Applebloom picks Spike up as he flails around. Applebloom throws Spike into a duct on the roof. Spike tumbles down the duct, hitting the walls as he screams. Spike tumbles down into Rarity's house. Spike finds Rarity sucking an old pegasus's dick.

"Rarity? Who? What? Why!?" Spike asks. Rarity looks at Spike and gets a look of utter terror and shock.

"Umm, Twilight told me to do it to get a semen sample to see if…..uh….if a unicorn and a pegasus can have an alicorn baby!" Rarity comes up with on the spot. Spike gives a thumbs up to show that he understands and believes her before running out of the front door. Spike runs back to the library.

The next night, Spike goes into the "butt-slut dick-prick nightclub". Spike heads over to a fat pony sitting at a booth.

"Hey, I need you to take care of a few people." Spike says under his breath. Spike passes the pony a note that has this picture:

The fat pony nods to him. The next night, the wonder kids are looking out over the city again. (without Babs, of course.)

"Hey! There they are!" a gangster yells six gang members leap out at them. The gang members grab them and start beating the shit out of them. All of the sudden, silly string hits them all in the eyes. Pipsqueak the brave leaps down and starts spraying them. The wonder kids escape their grasp and start fighting them.

"Thanks, Pipsqueak!" Applebloom says. Pipsqueak nods to them and continues spraying them. When the wonder kids and Pipsqueak defeat the gangsters, Applebloom pulls her phone out and dials a number.

"Hello, Twist. Okay, the all mighty Twist, we're having an emergency meeting now at the club-house. No, I don't care about your nerdy ass books and shit just get off of you're geeky bitch ass and get over here!" Applebloom says before hanging up.

In the club-house, the wonder kids, Pipsqueak the brave and the all mighty Twist are sitting around a table.

"Alright, some evil-doers were sent to kill us earlier and I think it was Spike's idea, we beat him up earlier and he didn't want us to make him cry again." Applebloom says.

"But Spoyk is a dunduh-head, he'd nevah come up with a plon like dis one! He wouldn't be able to get anyone but the feeble moynded on his soyd!" Pipsqueak the brave says. There is a kindergarten class being taught.

"So, kids, zebra starts with-" the teacher gets a shuriken in the side of her head. Spike jumps in through the window and lands on one knee with his hand on the floor as his big ass cape is fanned out on the floor.

"Kids, there's a war starting, and you are all drafted." Spike says. In sugar cube corner the next day, the cutie mark crusaders are walking into Pinkie pie's party shop.

"Hey, kids! What can I do for you?" Pinkie pie asks.

"We need to borrow Gummie for a school project about how alligators react to differentiating water temperature to show their versatility!" Scootaloo says. Pinkie pie sits there a second, looking complexed as all hell.

"I'm fine with whatever that means." Pinkie pie says. She hands Gummie's kennel to them over the counter. Spike is sitting in a bench at the park. He sees a big white van with a creepy old man sitting in it.

"Hey, kid. You want some candy?" the old guy asks. Spike walks over and gets into the back of the van. Three hours later, Spike appears in hell in front of Discord.

"I saw how you died, why didn't just jump off of your house as opposed to getting raped to death?" Discord asks.

"Shut your fucking face, I need you to help me kill a few stupid bitches who think that they're superheroes or something." Spike says.

"But don't you think that you're a superhero?" Discord asks.

"Think!? I am the most badass fucking superhero that has ever lived! I can defeat Nate if I want!" Spike says.

"So why do you need me? Nevermind. I'll just come help you out. I'll bring a few hellspawns with me, okay?" Discord asks. Spike nods. Spike is sent back to his house in ponyville.

Later that night, Sweetie belle shoots a plunger arrow with a note taped to it through an opening in Spike's window. Spike gets up and grabs it off the wall. it says: Meet Applebloom at Chuck-e-Cheese tomorrow at 12.

The next day, Applebloom sits down at a table in Chuck-e-cheese. After fifteen minutes, Spike comes in and sits down opposite from her.

"So, we goin' to war or what?" Spike asks.

"Yeah, we'll meet at the center of ponyville on saturday with our armies and go to battle then." Applebloom says. "So, who do you have in your army?"

"I've got 100 hellspawns, 30 kindergartners and Discord." Spike says. Applebloom's jaw drops.

"That's not fair! I've only got like four team-mates!" Applebloom claims.

"You can have as many guys as you want." Spike says in a smug little shit voice as he crosses his arms and closes his eyes.

"Well I'm gonna get the whole police force!" Applebloom says. Spike opens his eyes, realizing that the police have guns.

"Well, fine! Ugh! I'm gonna fucking leave and tend to my epic fucking army!" Spike yells as he storms off. Spike goes into the bathroom and changes into his vengeful crowbar outfit. Spike comes back out and tackles the guy in the rat costume into the ball pit. Spike picks him up and throws him back out of the ball pit and into the arcade.

Spike slams the rat's head into the screen of a racing game, killing him. On friday, Spike's army is on one side of the gazebo in the center of town while Applebloom's army of cops is on the other side. A horn blows and immediately all of the kindergartners run forward and get shot. Their dead bodies form a wall.

The hellspawns shoot black arrows over the wall, killing some cops. Spike smashes through the wall riding on a swine. The two armies run at each other and engage in combat. Discord walks around shooting fire from his hands at cops. Discord picks up Sweetie belle.

"Wait! No! Please!" Sweetie belle screams as Discord rips her in half. Spike rides past Twist and hits her in the head with his crowbar, killing her. Spike then sees Pipsqueak the brave spraying hellspawns with silly string. Spike leaps off of his pig and tackles Pipsqueak.

Spike hits Pipsqueak across the face before flipping his crowbar around and holding it horizontally in both hands. Spike slams it down onto Pipsqueak's face, smashing it. Spike then flips it around again and slams the bottom of it through Pipsqueaks face. Spike gets picked up by Scootaloo who is being ridden by Applebloom. She flies up twenty feet in the air.

"Hey, stop!" Spike says. Now having an aerial view, sees the last cop being killed by the Discord.

"All of your cops are dead!" Spike says.

"Well all you have is Discord! And we have this!" Applebloom says, pressing a button on a remote. Gummie comes out of his kennel and charges at Discord. Gummie jumps up and clamps onto Discord's hand.

"Ow! Fuck!" Discord yells. Discord touches Gummie's forehead, making him melt into blood.

"Hey! That's not fair! Discord can just send anyone to hell! Discord, go home so this can be a fair fight!" Scootaloo bitches. Discord sinks into the earth. Scootaloo lands and Spike backs up ten feet.

"Okay, now to fight this out like real men!" Spike says. Spike runs at them and immediately smashes Scootaloo's head in. Applebloom leaps off of Scootaloo's corpse and punches Spike in the face, making him cry.

Applebloom knocks Spike over and gets on top of him. Spike feels around on the ground and grabs some of Pipsqueak's silly string. He sprays Applebloom's eyes, making her roll off of him. Spike gets on top of her and slams her head on the ground ten times before she dies. Spike starts panting.

"Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaah! Na na na na na naaaa! I won and you died! I'm the king of the world!" Spike yells. The gazebo falls over and crushes him.


End file.
